


you should know that you're the something i hold onto (au)

by gwencelot



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: M/M, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-17
Updated: 2011-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-20 17:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwencelot/pseuds/gwencelot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Funny who you meet while on the fringes of life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you should know that you're the something i hold onto (au)

Carlos can’t believe his luck when he steps onto the roof of his apartment building and there’s already someone there – some guy, sitting at the far edge overlooking the city. The brunet sighs quietly, frowning. In all honesty, he’s still been slightly unsure about coming up here in the first place, and the guy being here just holds it up longer. Just when he’s about to turn and head back down the stairs, the guy turns to face him halfway, looking just as lost as Carlos feels.

The short boy walks to him and joins the other man, staring out at the bright skyline. They’re silent for a while before the other finally speaks up.

“You here for what I think you’re here for?” he asks, and Carlos turns to look at him. He’s – for lack of a better word – pretty. His eyes are a nice shade of hazel, his lashes are thicker than any Carlos has ever seen, and there’s something not quite right about his nose, but it just seems to fit. Carlos glances down and sees a nametag on the guy’s shirt: James.

“Depends; what do you think?” the short boy says uncomfortably. James chuckles, and his eyes don’t leave the other’s – Carlos feels like he’s looking right through him.

“Same as me, it looks like,” James shrugs and squints. “I came here to jump.” Carlos exhales; he can’t believe that the other is talking about killing himself so easily. Still, he’s here for the same reason, so he jerks his head in a nod instead of giving a verbal response. James smirks and continues, “We could hold hands while we jump if you want.” Carlos feels himself smile, something he hasn’t done in a long time.

“Okay, but only if you promise not to squeeze my fingers too hard,” Carlos quips back. James lets out a bark of laughter and holds out his hand. When he sees Carlos’ startled face he laughs again.

“Just to shake on it, dude,” his eyes are newly sparkling. “I wasn’t planning to go just yet.” And Carlos is glad. He grips James’ hand in a firm shake that lingers before James pulls back. “What’s your name?” he asks.

“Carlos,” the other answers. James nods and gestures to his nametag vaguely, probably figuring that Carlos has seen it by now.

“So Carlos, what are your dreams in life?” James faces the city again, tilts back to lean on his hands. Carlos is taken aback – he came here to end his life, not to think about it. He’s silent for a long time.

“Well,” he says carefully, guarded. “It’d be cool to be on Broadway,” he waits for the laugh that never comes. Instead, James is nodding, his eyes closed. “Um… yeah. Acting and singing have kinda always been my thing.”

“Me too,” James looks at him again with piercing eyes. “I was in a few plays in high school and stuff. But I think maybe snowboarding or surfing professionally would be pretty sweet too.” He tilts his head and smiles as he talks, and Carlos is mesmerized, puzzled. He doesn’t talk like someone who wants to kill himself; he talks like someone who’s got hope for himself and still dreams. He feels like James is wise beyond his years as he looks into his eyes and can’t seem to bring himself to even think about jumping at the moment.

“Hey,” James says after a while of just watching him. “I wanna hear you sing.” Another surprise for Carlos; the other boy just seems to be full of them. He stares dumbly. “Come on,” James grins. Carlos sighs but quietly begins singing one of his favorite tunes, Taking the Wheel. After a moment, James joins in, doing his best to harmonize.

“I haven’t sung in a while,” he smiles apologetically, and Carlos shakes his head. James suddenly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a quarter. Carlos eyes it suspiciously.

“Don’t tell me you’re a magician, too,” James’ smile is stunning and Carlos finds himself having to look away, his cheeks heating up. James waits until they’ve made eye contact again before saying seriously,

“Heads we jump, tails we meet here again tomorrow night.” Carlos is shocked, but James tosses the coin into the air before he can say a word. The Latino had stopped believing in God a long time ago but still finds himself praying for tails. The quarter lands back in James’ hand far too quickly and he covers it with his other hand. “Ready?” he asks. Carlos makes a strange jerking movement with his head. James lifts his hand off of the quarter only slightly so Carlos can’t see. He stuffs it quickly back into his pocket and chirps, “Tails!” Carlos is doubtful but overwhelmingly relieved, so all he does is nod.

“So tomorrow, then?” his knees crack as he stands up and offers his hand to James. The taller takes it and claps him on the shoulder.

“Same time,” he confirms. Before he turns to leave, James taps him under the chin with a, “Cheer up, Carlitos, I’d like to see your smile more often,” and then he’s gone. Carlos follows a moment later, vaguely waving to the girl who lives across the hall before shutting himself in his apartment.

 

~

  
It becomes a tradition, both the meeting and the tossing of the coin. James always claims it has landed on tails, and Carlos never questions. He’s just afraid that one day it might land on heads.

 

_~_

  
They’re friends now, Carlos thinks as he makes the nightly journey up to his roof, that’s fair to say. He’s found out things about James, like where he works (Burger King, and he hates it), what he’s majoring in (law, and he hates it), and that he’s a California boy born and raised. Those are only a few of the things, because James likes to talk a lot, but he also likes to listen. He listens to Carlos stutter and mumble about himself, his family, his life, with his head cocked and smiling. He listens to Carlos moan about his job with a sympathetic smirk. But his favorite thing to listen to is Carlos sing, his eyes closed and facing the sky. Carlos finds that this is when James looks the most at peace.

He opens the door to the roof and doesn’t hesitate to join his friend at the edge. James smiles at him, not even greeting him properly before saying, “I added to my suicide note today.” Carlos hates talking about this, about death, which is ironic considering it’s the reason he and James met. Nevertheless, he humors the taller and asks, “Oh?”

James nods. “I wrote…” he turns his smile to the sky. “That I would like to be buried next to Carlos, my best friend.” Carlos is touched, but it still hurts in a way he can’t explain.

“Best friend,” he repeats dimly.

“Best friend,” James whispers.

 

~

  
James kisses Carlos on a Sunday.

It’s amusing to Carlos, in a way. Not the kiss itself, which is actually really nice, but the fact that they’re kissing on a _Sunday_ , the day of rest, the day Carlos used to go to church, and this is one of the biggest sins of all. He almost laughs out loud, but James’ lips are really soft and he doesn’t quite feel like ending this just yet.

But he doesn’t have to, because James stops a moment later, a panicked look on his face. Carlos wants to feel sad, but who was he kidding? Of course James wouldn’t want to kiss him. He was expecting this.

“I – you’re not – I’m sorry,” James puts his head in his hands and rocks slightly back and forth. Carlos shakes his head, numb.

“No, he says. “I am.”

 

~

  
He half-expects James not to be there the next night when he goes up, given the kiss and the awkwardness after. But he is. He always is.

James has a small box next to him and is fiddling with something in his hands. Upon getting closer, Carlos sees that it’s a lighter, which is strange – James is vehemently against smoking. But he soon discovers its purpose when James takes something from the box and lights it in one quick motion. It’s a picture, Carlos can see, of some guy who looks around his age. The man’s face disappears in the flames and James releases it before it can burn his fingers, and it goes fluttering toward the ground below. The taller boy does this with all of the pictures in the box, silent.

They don’t speak all night.

 

~

  
When James shows up with another box of photos the next day, and the next, Carlos can’t stand it any longer.

“Why do you burn those?” he blurts out, and James’ sunken eyes meet his for the first time in days. He slowly lowers his gaze back to his hands and clicks on the lighter.

“To forget,” he says simply, releasing the flaming picture into the air. Carlos doesn’t press any further.

“James?” he says after a while, receiving a grunt in return. Carlos scoots slightly closer to his friend so their shoulders are brushing together. “Um… about the kiss.” He feels James tense up but presses on. “Do you… hate me now?”

“What?!” James quickly faces Carlos, looking stricken. “No. I – how could you think that? _I_ kissed _you_. I – no, Carlos, I could never hate you.” Carlos nods, James staring at him, searching his eyes. He turns back finally to face the city again. After a few minutes, James tentatively puts his arm around Carlos’ shoulder. Carlos tells himself James just doesn’t want either of them to get cold – it doesn’t mean anything more than that.  
 

~

  
Things between them after that are pretty normal again, and Carlos is so thankful. He thinks maybe he could be okay with being just friends (best friends, a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like James insists).

 

~

  
“Dude, you need to get laid.” Carlos chokes on his ice water and stares blankly at the man lounging across his couch. It’s Kendall (Logan is nearby too, of course, because they’re inseparable), and he’s known him practically his whole life, so this shouldn’t shock him. But he’s still caught off guard.

“Kendall.” Logan says sternly, perched on the armrest next to his boyfriend’s head. Kendall shrugs and smirks at Carlos.

“Weren’t you talking about some James guy you met a few weeks ago?” Carlos takes a deep breath and shakes his head, shoving the blonde’s legs off the couch and sitting there himself. Kendall pouts for a moment before he’s attached himself to Carlos’ side and presses on. “So? How hot is he?”

“ _Kendall_!” Logan rolls his eyes and sounds more exasperated than anything.

“Aw, Logie,” Kendall rubs Logan’s knee affectionately. “You know I think you’re the hottest!” Logan is not amused.

“That’s not the problem here.”

“It’s fine,” Carlos smiles, avoiding Logan’s concerned eyes. He’s spared from more awkward prodding from Kendall by the doorbell ringing. The Latino heads for the door curiously, leaving his two friends behind. He’s not prepared to see James there when he opens the door, but there he is in all of his beautiful glory. This is the first time they’ve seen each other outside of the roof.

“Um… hi,” James says nervously, a slight smile adorning his features.

“I, hi,” Carlos is too surprised to immediately let him in. “Uh, how did you know where I live?” James’ smirk grows.

“You have Spongebob stickers all over your door.”

“Oh. Right.” They both laugh. Carlos glances back into his apartment before looking back at James. “I have some people over but do you, um, do you want to join us?” James nods and follows Carlos inside, shutting the door behind him.

Carlos can hear Kendall’s laugh and Logan’s less obnoxious chuckled before he reaches the living room and takes a breath before leading James in. Kendall’s going to embarrass him, God, he just knows it.

“Logan, Kendall,” he says, getting their attention. Kendall’s head is resting sideways on Logan’s leg when they come in, but he turns it upright to get a better look. “This is… James.” Carlos is surprised that Kendall doesn’t spontaneously combust from excitement right then and there.

“Hi,” James smiles, shaking both of their hands. Kendall lasts for about a minute before he blurts, “Oh my God. You didn’t tell us he was _hot_ hot!”

James blinks. Carlos buries his face in his hands. Logan looks like he’s trying very hard not to hit Kendall.

“I – thank you?” James looks at Carlos, who just shakes his head and motions for him to sit on the loveseat next to him. Loveseat. How ironic. Kendall pulls Logan down to sit half in his lap, excitement about James still clear on his face.

“How did you and Carlos meet?” Logan asks. James and Carlos’ eyes lock instantly – they couldn’t say that they’d met on the roof while attempting to kill themselves.

“Um – he came into my job once,” James invents, Carlos nodding beside him. “Ordered a Whopper and a large fry and – here we are!” he chuckles nervously, clapping Carlos on the shoulder.

“Are you into dudes?” Kendall interjects bluntly.

“Oh my God,” Carlos says while Logan stares in disbelief at his boyfriend. “James, ignore him.”

“Sometimes he doesn’t know where to draw the line,” Logan agrees, pulling on a strand of Kendall’s hair.

“I was just curious,” Kendall mumbles defensively. James bursts out laughing at their interaction together.

“It’s cool. Um… yeah, I am,” he says softly, his eyes drifting to Carlos, who stares defiantly at the wall opposite them.

“I knew it. Me too,” Kendall waggles his dark eyebrows at an irritated-looking Logan. Carlos looks at the two and can’t help but smile; even as Kendall cackles annoyingly and attempts to squeeze Logan’s cheeks to the point of redness, Carlos can see Logan trying to hide a smirk. They’ve been crazy about each other since elementary school, if he’s being honest with himself, and he’s always envied how easily they just seemed to… come together.

While they’re distracted, James leans down to whisper to Carlos, “I actually came here to talk to you… I quit my job.”

“Huh?” Carlos looks up quickly – he and James are only inches apart. “Why? I thought you needed the money.”

“Yeah, well,” James sighs and Carlos shivers as the breath tickles his face. “I… don’t think I’ll be needing money anymore.” Carlos doesn’t want to think about what that means. He’s tried to fool himself into thinking that James has had a change of heart, will never kill himself, but in reality he knows that sometimes something is off with James that he can’t fix. Before Carlos can think of something to say, Kendall has plopped himself into his lap and is grinning, dimples like craters in his cheeks.

“We’re gonna go, Carlitos. Logie has work early tomorrow so we gotta get some shut eye.” The blonde pecks Carlos on the cheek, nods at James with a, “nice meeting you!” and hops up. Logan touches Carlos’ wrist briefly with a smile, also bids goodbye to James, and then he and Kendall are gone.

“Interesting friends you have there,” James grins, and Carlos nods, still trying to figure out how to talk James down from wherever he is mentally, because his lips may be smiling but his eyes are far away. Carlos wonders when he became the one with a solid head on his shoulders, having to help others. He’s knocked out of his thoughts when he can feel James’ breath again. The small boy looks up carefully, eyes locking with James’ as they slowly get closer. Carlos almost gives in but stops himself at the last second because this isn’t right, because James doesn’t know what he’s doing, because something is very wrong.

“Don’t do this to me again,” Carlos whispers. James stops abruptly, and Carlos isn’t ready for all the emotions that flick through his eyes. He feels like crying.

“I’m gonna go.” James clears his throat when his voice cracks and shakes his head, still trying to portray that sense of calmness. He doesn’t look back before he closes the door.

 

~

  
When Carlos goes to the roof that night, James isn’t there. He waits a while anyway, hoping, but drags himself back to his apartment after an hour, feeling strangely alone.

 

~

  
He goes back the next night too, and James is there, but Carlos can tell something is wrong the second he sees him. The taller boy is standing, not sitting like usual, and his body is leaning dangerously close to the edge. Carlos’ breathing quickens when James catches sights of him and holds out his hand. The Latino inches closer, and can see that the quarter in James’ hand is facing heads up. Carlos almost throws up.

“No,” his voice cracks. “No, you can’t flip it without me here. You can’t – you can’t do this.” He grabs James’ hand, desperate to know that he’s still here, still alive. James looks away into the night, like he has so many other times, but tonight it seems like a promise.

“Carlos,” his voice is soft, like the first night they met. “I’m really glad I met you. Even though…” he smiles sadly. “Even though you don’t…” he shakes his head and squeezes Carlos’ hand slightly. Finally looking at him, James asks, “Are you gonna keep holding my hand?” Carlos realizes he’s talking about the deal they made about jumping together. He feels his eyes well up.

“James. James, you can’t –“ he tries to pull the taller away from the ledge, but James is much stronger and holds his weight. “You changed me. I don’t want to go. I want…” he struggles to find the words but wonders if James will even hear them.

“You should stay,” James whispers. “You should… find someone who will make you happy, Carlos.” Carlos looks up in disbelief.

“I already did!” he cries, reaching up to pull James’ face down. Their lips meet in a desperate crash before James pulls back, looking hurt.

“If you’re doing this just to screw around with my feelings,” his voice is shaking and his own tears are now mingling with the ones Carlos has left on his cheeks, “then that’s really messed up.”

“James,” Carlos half-laughs because this is _so fucked up_. “I’m doing this because I’m in love with you!” the taller man hesitates for half a second before his hands are at Carlos’ hips and he’s dragging him forward, bodies pressed flush together. Carlos grips James’ biceps and leans up to kiss him again, leading them slowly away from the edge of the roof. He’s terrified that James might change his mind at any second and then it will be all over, for real.

“I,” James pulls back, still holding Carlos firmly in place.

“You don’t have to say anything,” the Latino whispers, finally getting them to the doorway. “Just stay with me.” James nods shakily and Carlos brings their lips together again, hot and heated, and he really hopes no one is in the hall as they fumble their way down to Carlos’ apartment.

The smaller boy curses when they get there because he locked it before he left, and his hands are too shaky to hold the key properly. Once he finally gets it in and opens the door, Carlos finds himself pinned to the kitchen counter, James’ hands everywhere. He begins to pull the brunet in the direction of his bedroom but James pulls away for a moment, panting.

“Why,” he starts,” didn’t you let me kiss you the other day?” Carlos makes a small noise of annoyance because, really? They have to do this _now_? There are so many other useful things they could be doing with their lips, he thinks, and (hopefully) there will be plenty of time to talk later. However, Carlos can see that James is serious, so he obliges and says,

“The first time we kissed, you got all freaked out and we didn’t talk for like a week.” He rests his forehead against James’ and sighs, trying to catch his breath. “I didn’t want that to happen again.”

“I only ‘freaked out’ because I thought you didn’t – I thought you weren’t into me,” James bites his lips and Carlos fights back a groan because it’s really sexy and, oh yeah, he’s still hard but he knows he and James need to talk about this – about everything.

“I’ve been _into you_ since practically the first time we met,” Carlos admits, tangling his fingers with James’ at his hips. The tall boy’s smile grows and they watch each other for a moment before Carlos nudges his pelvis forward slightly, hoping James will get the hint. He does, and soon they’re stumbling through the apartment again, tongues mapping out each other’s mouths and small moans escaping them.

Carlos lands back on his bed, James quickly climbing on top of him, clothes thrown all across the floor. The Latino’s inner neat freak almost asks James if he could put them in the hamper, but is silenced by the intensity of the stare above him.

After necessary preparation, James asks, mouth directly next to his ear, “Are you sure?” Carlos barely groans out a “yes” before James is inside him, and it’s too much and not enough. The taller boy waits a moment before moving, and they quickly develop a steady rhythm that has Carlos clawing at James’ back, gasping in his ear. Carlos comes first, arching into James with a moan causing him to follow, Carlos’ name a sigh on his lips. James weakly thrusts a few more times before grabbing a few tissues off of Carlos’ bedside table and cleaning them up, throwing the tissues into the trash (thank God).

James climbs back into the bed, pulling the covers over himself and Carlos, who immediately curls up to cuddle. They turn to face each other and James wraps an arm around the brunet’s waist protectively.

“I’m afraid when I wake up, you’ll be gone,” Carlos says drowsily, trying to fight off sleep, but he’s exhausted – both physically and emotionally. James shushes him, coming impossibly closer.

“I’ll be here,” he says, lips against Carlos’ temple. “For you… I’ll be here.”

 

~

  
Carlos wakes up to an empty bed.

It’s fine, at first, because he’s used to waking up alone. But then he realizes that he’s naked, and oh, yeah, he and James…

James. Carlos feels the panic set in, patting the other side of the bed down frantically even though he knows the taller boy isn’t there.

“No,” the Latino jumps up, wrapping the bed sheet around his lower half just in case he has to rush to the roof again. “No, no, no, no…” he feels the panic-induced tears about to spill and furiously wipes them away, leaving the bedroom. He checks the bathroom and living room desperately before he hears a noise from the kitchen. Carlos darts through his apartment, practically tripping over the sheet before he lands in the doorway – and there’s James, in nothing but his boxers from last night, standing over the stove, an egg in his hand. He looks around curiously at Carlos’ strangled noise of relief and barely gets out a “hi” before the smaller boy’s arms are wrapped around him from behind and Carlos is breathing heavily into his back.

“Carlos?” James’ voice is full of concern and Carlos wants to hit him because he’s the one who’s slowly coming down from an anxiety attack and should be asking James what’s up.

“When I woke up,” he slowly extracts himself from James. “You weren’t there. I thought…” he looks up, and James’ eyes are apologetic and understanding. They meet each other halfway for a slow, long kiss, and Carlos almost falls to his knees he’s so relieved.

“Carlos,” James says when they break apart, going back to the stove to resume cooking. “I’m not… okay. I know I need help. I know that.” His hands clench on the counter. “But I think… if I get help and if I’m with you…” he meets Carlos’ eyes shyly. “Maybe I could be okay.”

They eat breakfast together in a comfortable silence, ankles hooked together under the table. It feels so domestic even though this is the first day they’ve technically been together, and Carlos wonders if this is how easy it was for Kendall and Logan when they first started dating. Though, he thinks, smiling slightly through a mouthful of toast, neither of them are great cooks so it’s probably a bit different than this.

“What are you smiling about?” James asks, nudging the Latino’s arm with his own and taking a swig of orange juice. A bit dribbles down his chin and Carlos ducks his head to hide his grin.

“Nothing,” he closes his eyes. “Everything.”

 

~

 

Carlos finds James’ suicide note in the trash the day they move in together, buried under other papers. The shorter boy stares at one line for a moment (“best friend”) before stuffing it back in and sighing. They’re done with that now. Forever.

 


End file.
